For the most part, labels are limiting, right? They’re usually some shorthand for something, a shorthand that often shortchanges someone or something, often pigeonholing people, painting them into a corner…or maybe more like caution tape…a sort of line that people can’t cross.
But labels can also be liberating, which I learned a bit ago when I discovered that things I struggle with and often get professionally “dinged” for are actually real and have names—toxic positivity and accurate thinking. Labeling these things was extremely validating in that it made me feel less alone, like I am on to something…it’s not about being “right” but it is about feeling alright about what I’m thinking and feeling.
That said, having more supporting information that describes what I think and how I process those thoughts is useful in that it helps me understand where I sit and fit interpersonally in a lot of situations, and it also helps me make more compelling cases that drive to more effective outcomes in more efficient ways. Which is what I get paid for after all, so why not try to achieve the best possible outcome in the best possible way? Why are so many people resistant to that?
This week’s label liberation came to me courtesy of Adam Grant and his best-selling book Think Again. I’m not reading it that fast, because I like to think things over and let them really sink in…but recently came across some concepts that have energized, motivated, and frustrated me. So I’ve taken some extra time to process and understand them.
So, what exactly is a disagreeable giver? Allow me to summarize my understanding and give you some context, not necessarily in that order:
The main premise of the book (as the title implies) is about the value of rethinking. Which makes sense. Things are constantly in flux but if our perspective and thinking aren’t also in flux, how can we possibly relate to a new world order with old beliefs and dated belief systems?
Re-thinking things is a challenge for us for many reasons. One thing that struck me for both its obviousness and its importance is this: we tend to conclude based on very small amounts of information and/or small bits of data, and we require information overload and volumes of data to even consider changing our minds. Which is ridiculous. And problematic. And perhaps even a bit egotistical (and in the extreme, egomaniacal). Definitely not useful. Be balanced. Be open.
Admitting we are wrong does not make us incompetent. It makes us vulnerable (which in many ways makes us lovable, go figure) and it makes us open to other possibilities and perspectives, open to help, and open to needing others. (All important relationship/empathy/trust things.)
It’s possible to want to win the race (as it were) and not have a “win at all costs” mentality. I see it more as approaching everything as “try as hard as you can to win,” which is a bit more usefully specific (to me) than “try your best” (a bit squishy IMO). But celebrating crossing the finish line as the desired end goal (without any regard to whether finishing in and of itself is relatively good or relatively bad) is, in my experience, a symptom of the dreaded toxic positivity.
Diversity, equity, and inclusion is all the rage right now so listen up: disagreement is inclusion in action. What I call constructive disagreement is the delivery of an alternative perspective. Which is not the same as simply not agreeing. Constructive disagreement is about taking a different (please don’t call it contrary…too negative!) position with conviction, with the goal of reaching a better solution to a shared “problem.” We all should be inviting constructive disagreement (not devil’s advocacy) into problem-solving conversations.
Disagreement, or conflict, falls into two categories, relationship and task conflict. The former is personal, the latter is practical. The former is destructive and the latter can be transformational. Keep them separate, and don’t let task conflict become relationship conflict—it’s way more damaging than you want to deal with. But definitely embrace productive conflict.
Disagreeable people often get a bad rap as ornery or curmudgeonly…especially because sometimes (more often that I’d like) people just want to be agreeable (often delusional) and avoid conflict of any type. They focus on themselves and how they feel in the moment vs seeing the big picture and thinking about how to get there the best possible way. Conflict is hard. But it isn’t impossible. And successful conflict resolution can catapult us far further ahead than diddling around and being not exactly up front about things. So grow a set for chrissakes.
When you’re looking to achieve greatness, what will help get you there? A support network, the agreeable folks, will keep your spirits up and you ego bloated. They’ll support your dreams, whether they think you can achieve them or not. But that kind of support (alone) won’t advance you any further any faster than you are capable of achieving yourself. So you could argue that using a support network to get things done is a waste of resources—because they’re only needed for reasons of the ego, not for practical or outcome-related reasons. Now consider getting things done…who pushes you to go beyond the lame and loose boundaries you set for yourself? Who takes you to the next level? Your challenge network. And guess who makes up a great challenge network? Disagreeable givers. They are the ones who have no ego involved, who strive only to elevate the work at hand…simply put, they challenge (disagree) because they care. Think about it…what do they have to personally gain by being “disagreeable”? Nothing! It makes things harder for them and in many cases it makes them less likable. But they’re focused on driving results…no more, no less. It’s such a logical concept, but it’s also not widely known.
So, though I’m only slightly under the halfway mark of the book, I can confidently and proudly proclaim that I am a disagreeable giver.
Am I often misunderstood? Sure. Probably a lot more than I am understood. But labels and definitions are knowledge and knowledge is power so guess who has a full complement of new tricks and techniques up her sleeve to get shit done?
Me. That’s who. So watch out.
Fight like hell when the morning whistle blows, but go out for a beer after the one at 5 o’clock. (Think Again, p. 89)
And that, my friends, is what an honest day’s work is all about.
There’s a lot more to what I’ve read so far than that, but that’s enough for now. Simply put: great book.
Other reading-related stuff.
I finished (and loved) Life After Life. The Color of Law sits pretty much undisturbed (no substantive progress), and my new read is Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime.
One thing I’m cooking.
This riced cauliflower really jazzed up our easy weeknight “cooking” routine. Pleasantly spicy. Added a can of black beans and a little bit of salsa, making it delicious and easy weeknight dinner for two.
No, make it two things I’m cooking.
These Lemon Pistachio bars were a rock solid summer dessert. Highly recommend.
Oh forget just two things…since I’m talking about it might as well add that I also made those fading-trend sous vide egg bites in the Instant Pot (easy and tasty and healthy—trifecta) and a really good bourbon jalapeno maple cocktail as I continue to up my cocktail game in anticipation of prolific hot pepper and mint crops. And speaking of crops, the gardens are coming along. The zucchini can’t seem to “catch” and the eggplant is getting steamrolled by cucumbers, but things are coming in great—plus we’re having fun and learning a lot. I love the morning stroll with Kerri and coffee to take a look at how things are coming along. Another joy of working from home, I must say.
Other A-V stuff.
I’m not watching much on TV and the backlog continues to grow. The final seson of Younger just started and I’m all in on that. What’s not to love about Sutton Foster? (Bunheads anyone?) Good Trouble (spinoff of The Fosters) just picked back up too, and that’s another one I enjoy. I suspect both of these shows let me kind of work through some long-lingering teen angst issues in a removed and non-threatening way. Of course, I am still watching Jeopardy! albeit without the same dogged interest as when the guest-host mania started, but I’m fully on board. Current rankings are: 1) Buzzy, 2) Mike, 3) Savannah, 4) Aaron, 5) Mayim/Blossom, 6) Sanjay (although he did fiddle with his wedding ring to a distracting extent), 7) Ken, 8) Katie, 9) Bill, 10) George, 11) Anderson, 12) Oz. Jury is still out on Robin Roberts; two shows in she’s a little slow with her “yes”/“no.” Also, TBH, it’s pretty much a crapshoot after Buzzy and Mike anyway. 🤷♀️
I did watch the Blue Origin space flight with interest, but for one reason only: Wally Funk. After a life of being told “no, because you’re a woman” her dream of going to “space” finally came true. It’s a sweet story and there’s a great article about her, and that, here. I’m a sucker for a feel-good story. Even so I do think the whole billionaire space race is a complete bunch of horseshit, for one because “we” already went to space in the f-cking 1960s. So what Branson & Bezos achieved wasn’t breakthrough technology or engineering. It is a couple of men-children who have made extraordinary sums of money (which they are entitled to spend however they want…it is theirs after all) engaged in a classic, old-fashioned pissing contest, a circus of machismo and ego. And I think the fact that Blue Origin chose to take their trip in a rocket ship that can only be described as a Phlying Phallus leaves no doubt that I am correct. I also think that if there are people with money to burn, there are plenty of other underfunded areas that investing in will have much greater impact on raising society up than sending private citizens on an 11-minute overpriced joyride. And if this is simply a matter of turning “space” into the all-new playground for the rich and famous, that’s fine…I beg the media not to cover and celebrate the frivolity, because it’s simply not newsworthy. I also felt (jokingly) that with all of my pandemic Amazon.com spending that I had pretty much funded the trip anyway…but since hearing Bezos’ boneheaded comment this morning, thanking his (underpaid) employees and customers for making it happen, now I’m even more annoyed by his arrogance. I get it, capitalism and all that, but it’s the gross display of wealth in the face of so much poverty and social opportunity that pisses me off. Even so, the Wally story makes me happy for her…and makes me think hard about my old-person goals for sure, so there’s that.
And I’m listening to music non-stop now that I added a decent (albeit budget) pair of wireless over-the-ear noise cancelling headphones to my desktop array.
One more upgrade to the home office…gotta make it just so, right? I mean, I wouldn’t say I have a headphone addiction, per se…I just have wide ranging listening conditions that call for a certain type of headphones. That’s all. PowerBeats for exercise. Panasonic wired earbuds that are soft for when I’m planning to fall asleep with them in. AirPods for when I want freedom but also want something low-profile. And these for when I want to settle into the zone for the long haul, which I have been doing a lot of lately. Been enjoying some fun, light, upbeat, jangly vibes from Beach Bunny and Best Coast. And then in stark contrast to that, spurred by this piece shared by a bestie, went on a downward (but cathartic) Joni Mitchell spiral…which triggered a series of interesting music-therapy events…which, apropos of something unbeknownst to my conscious knowledge, went like this: Jimmy Sommerville/Bronski Beat, Everything But the Girl, Yaz/Erasure/Alison Moyet, and a random rat hole of Time After Time covers.I loved Cyndi Lauper’s version when it first came out but hearing Everything But the Girl Sing it on their album acoustic kind of started me on the cover kick—Eva Cassidy, Cyndi and Sarah McLachlan’s duet (not quite a cover but…) are favorites…and I added two new good ones to the list this time, by Iron & Wine and P!nk.
If anyone wants to weigh in with their thoughts on this musical journey I took and what it might mean, hit me up.
Thanks for being here…I appreciate you sticking with me during this writing experiment and I welcome any and all comments and feedback—consider yourselves part of my challenge network. We are better and stronger together when we can constructively disagree! And we are weaker when we can’t be honest with each other. #truth
Oh, and speaking of cover songs, I hope the Black Pumas version of Fast Car makes your heart as happy as it made mine. Have a great week. Catch you back here next Thursday.
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