Diminishing returns and incremental differences.
Now that’s the small stuff we shouldn’t be sweating.
When The Pundit falls on a Tuesday, the focus is transformation—and typically I try to keep my eyes on the prize and talk about my experience trying to adjust, adapt, and grow in the face of a passing life in a changing world. It’s really important to me—personally and professionally—to make sure I’m continually challenging myself, changing, evolving, thinking, re-thinking. It’s so important to stay out of the ruts we create, to expand horizons versus accept shrinking ones, to address and resolve problems, and to apply the lessons we learn. Even so, this month I’m focusing on how doing something seemingly small, namely accepting the fact that not being perfect is 100% A-OK and is just as important to our growth. As much as I like to challenge myself, I have to learn to be ok with not always being up to the challenge.
I think that might sound and feel counterintuitive, the idea that growing means accepting “failure.” Although I think we frequently misuse the world failure. “Fail fast,” we hear in business. Often. But it’s hyperbolic. Or we misuse “failure” (something reallllly bad) as a synonym for “mistake” (everyday occurrences, often innocuous). What “fail fast” really means is that mistakes are ok as long as we learn from them, and quickly—because (no pressure!) we don’t have time to waste.
(Business folks tend to invent language where language already exists and “fail fast” is both rallying cry and dictatorial decree (not to mention often aspirational). The business-speak takes hold like an invasive weed, particularly among the bootlicking crowd in the proverbial boardroom. I think “they” like to feel important by manufacturing importance through the creation of (ironically) obfuscating “vocabulary”…but that really is a conversation for another time…as you might hear in the office, “let’s take that offline.” Because “I don’t have the bandwidth” for that conversation right now—must finish getting this written.)
Accepting the fact that we can’t be perfect or even great or sometimes even good enough can feel like we’re lowering our expectations of ourselves or slacking off…something that feels like quite the opposite of growth.
But self-acceptance (within reason!) of shortcomings, limitations, and the like, in my opinion and experience, is a very important part of our personal evolutions.
When I talk about self-acceptance, I do not mean being ok with giving less than or settling for less than because we think that’s all we’ve earned or deserve.
That’s total bullsh-t.
What I do mean is it’s ok if—despite your best efforts—you’re somehow letting yourself down, not achieving your goals, or not fulfilling your dreams. It’s NOT OK if you’re feeling bad because you’re falling short of others’ expectations or of your own unreasonable expectations—others’ expectations are irrelevant and you need to cut yourself some slack.
Not every significant transformation involves a big, bold forward leap, or some noticeable, life-affirming/changing outcome. Sometimes, growth is found in the tiniest of realizations or acknowledgements—like in realizing that < 100% is 100% fine (within reason!). (I mean, that’s in part why diminishing returns are a thing. You reach the point where the investment (effort) isn’t worth the additional (piddly) (incremental) result. And that concludes today’s informal MBA lesson—my head hurts 🤦🏼♀️😂.)
These micro-transformations, small but mighty things that shift our views (most often of ourselves, and typically relative to other people or things), are as critical to our growth as the seemingly seismic things.
You know what “they” say. “Embrace the suck.” And you do have to embrace it…politely. Just don’t let the hug linger like a weird uncle at a family reunion.
A few days after Thanksgiving, I read this Opinion/Guest Essay in the NYT. While the triggering event the author experienced—sudden-onset OCD and secondary depression—is not something I’ve experienced, I definitely could relate to the author and his observations. He reports being “an optimistic, growth-oriented, and meaning-seeking person,” and I happen to see and would characterize myself in much the same way. I felt like we came from a similar place, so I was naturally open to what came next (take note: when you’re naturally open to something, receiving it comes easier). He speaks of his struggle to find meaning in struggle…and how that led him to the realization that “simply focusing on showing up and getting through is more than enough.” It is in that context that the author comes to understand that sometimes growth and meaning take time to arrive, challenging us to be patient in times when we desperately want answers or to need to see the positive more than anything. Meaning and growth come in their own time and on their own terms, which is something that is not always easy to accept. We want to control and manage and commit and create the outcomes we desire or think we deserve or think we “should” achieve (danger: watch out for shoulds/coulds/woulds). We want happiness hacks—because we just don’t have time to wait for it. We forget that life is one big waiting game—sometimes fun to play (a rollicking game of Pitch), sometimes it’s excruciating (a Monopoly game that won’t end), and other times it’s perplexing (like trying to pick up Mexican Train Dominoes after months—rules, what rules?). But when we remember that it’s a game, we can go with it much more willingly—the ambiguity and uncertainty is to be expected. It’s “fine.” All part of the story.
The article served to remind me that we don’t always get what we want (let’s face it, we don’t get what we want far more often than we do, and rarely get it when we want it), and this perspective gives me peace. It’s not always a straight line or a smooth path, life. But still it’s a great ride. The more we can accept the inevitable shortcomings in ourselves and others, the more we’ll enjoy it.
And because I felt like I needed to give you something less heavy…here:
I think it’s important for us to have this conversation…as I get older, and so too do my friends, I’m sensing an unsettling pattern among us…we have fewer days in front of us than behind us (a fact that we’re very much aware of, often actively), and there’s a certain low-level persistent panic to our days. Have we both spent and wasted time wisely and are we ok with what we have to show for it?
We revisit and question and second-guess. By and large we report that we’re happy…but also that we’re not. We’re searching for something we can’t articulate and report that we’re dissatisfied for some reason(s) we can’t quite put our fingers on.
Is it the judgment of others that worries us? Society’s made up measuring stick of success? Something else?
Who cares?
Show up. Get through. Growth and meaning will come in time. Maybe. And if they don’t come, that’s ok.
Here’s the thing: we’re all ok, shortcomings and all. And we’re all gonna stay ok.
Ok?
Thanks for your time, attention, and support as always. It’s nice to have company while we search for the ever-elusive meaning of life, learning the rules as we try to have fun playing, and remembering that it’s a game and it doesn’t matter who “wins.”
Love you too.