I’ll follow the sun…but first, this fake f❄️cking sn❄️wst❄️rm…
Location-based transformation, aka vacation
When life has you turned upside down, you thank your lucky stars that you had to use or lose that puny travel bank credit back in December to justify booking that higher-than-usual priced flight to Florida for two weeks in February.
Of course, sometimes when life has you turned upside down it also can feel like it’s aggressively shaking you, wildly swinging you, trying to make you toss your cookies, for sport.
That’s how it feels for me these days.
The high of the Tracy Chapman-Luke Combs “Fast Car” duet that galvanized the nation for a couple of days wore off more quickly than I’d have liked, giving way to ridiculous political sputterance and complete (ridiculous) polarization on the matter of TSwizzle and TKelce.
My left brain and my right brain are at near-constant odds with one another, in some sort of Sun Tzu-inspired art-of-war-scale battle of the psyche, the ultimate objective of which has yet to be revealed to me. I want to act (ideally decisively), but there’s no clear course of action to take. I’m noodgy and antsy in general…but at the same time I also have this weird paralysis, like if I even so much as look away from the computer monitor or detach or remove myself from this intense (and intensive) combination of job and soul searching that I’m in the throes of, for even a minute, somehow I’ll miss something.
But what?
I have absolutely no freakin’ idea.
It’s hard to explain. It’s such a strange feeling.
Maybe it’s a lingering aftereffect of those recent 12 days we had with no sun…the little we eventually did get wasn’t enough to light up those dark corners of my being. So may be more light is in order.
Whatever the cause might be, something’s off with me. At times I’ve felt like the Universe’s rawhide chew toy du jour, resulting in some angst-y stuff that was compounded by the “is there or isn’t there a nor’easter coming Tuesday morning?” weather forecasting gymnastics that we’ve been watching like an Olympic sport for the last several days, all of which culminated in me deciding Sunday to change today’s flight from 10:30AM to 6AM. Not because I wanted to get up in the middle of the night (that was excruciating, the Uber pickup at 3:30AM, and nerve-wracking in a car with a dashboard lit up like the Griswold’s house in Christmas Vacation) but because I wanted to increase the likelihood I’d get out of Dodge ahead of the storm. The angsty-y stuff was even further compounded by my self-imposed (on principle) requirement to pack for two weeks in only a carry on. Honestly, when you have size 11 feet a single pair of Birkenstocks takes up a good bit of prime (and precious) suitcase real estate, but paying another $90 on top of an already-expensive ticket whilst unemployed seemed somewhat ill-advised. So I packed and unpacked and pared and weeded and repacked and jammed and smushed and $325 worth of time and effort later, I saved myself $90. I have no idea what ended up in the goddamn suitcase…besides that one pair of size 11 Birkenstocks, of course. And don’t even get me started on the train wreck that is my “personal item,” my trusty old backpack. When I think of unzipping it all that comes to mind is that old gag when the “snakes” pop out of a can of cocktail peanuts when opened by the unsuspecting snacker. 🤦🏼♀️
Worth noting is the fact that the 10:25 flight I was originally booked on was in fact cancelled, so my move to the earlier flight was a good one. Also worth noting is that when I went to bed the forecast had dropped from a foot to 3” and there is not a flake in sight right now, so it seems quite likely that the 6 is a safe bet. (As I type this sentence at 4:28AM it is still showing as on time. 🤞)
All that (melo)drama aside, I’m glad to be going away. I’m self-aware enough to know when I need the attitude adjustment (I need one now) (changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes, right?) and I’m looking forward to seeing my mom, my sis, two of my nieces, and some extended family as well. I’m also looking forward to warmer weather (not as warm as it typically is in FL this time of year but warmer than in MA), the beach, and less immediate pressure on the job front. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—I can’t give myself a job but I can do my best to find one, and I am. But trying to find a jagged hole to fit the jagged peg that I am makes looking for a needle in a haystack feel like child’s play.
Another reason it will be nice to be away is that Kerri started a new job (go Kerri!) last week which is great in so so so (SO!) many ways. But there are pros and cons to everything and in this case, her pros are my cons. As happy as I am for her (over the moon happy, if you’re wondering) the empty, quiet house is a “perfect” place for my emptiness and feelings of displacement and despair to echo…loudly…all…day…long. And even though it’s only been a week and a day since she’s been out on the town, the echo was loud enough to be deafening and scary at times. So it’s probably best that I head South where the sand will absorb the noise in my head and/or the lapping waves will drown it out…though I suspect (hope!) the dominant sounds will be happier…namely of me cracking open can after can of Mich Ultra. (I also hope her days continue to be great while I’m away, and I will miss the awesome positive energy and enthusiasm she injects into my days.)
Prior to the “should I or shouldn’t I?” rebook my flight stress, I did have a nice weekend despite the aforementioned emotional turmoil and logistical acrobatics. It’s that time of year when the weather transforms consistently and almost-constantly. Who knows what today will bring? But Saturday was so nice. The local baseball field was lively, with the sounds of laughter, cracks of the bat, and the thump of the ball hitting a glove in the unseasonably balmy air. The soccer field was active, with games and skills and a light, hopeful intensity. Even though it had been a mild winter to that point still it was like the whole world defrosted Saturday. It felt so good to be part of it.
Anyhow I need to take a break from this and board the plane (I don’t have to check my carryon seeing as I am in Group B—always infuriating when you have to check your overstuffed carryon “at no charge” when you wanted to check a bag in the first place).
I plan to sleep and come back to this later to finish up. (I am on board and never can figure out why there’s (at least) one person who slows everything down as they mouth their seat number and check *every* row as they move slowly down the aisle.
Also that one guy wearing a tank top in public in February is in the middle seat next to me. Of course. The morning cologne (Axe body spray?) started a bit…extra…but without a tshirt to absorb anything, by 7:30 when he woke me up with a smack on my arm and a hand gesture and scowl (dick)?which indicated he wanted me to close the window shade, I was wishing I traveled with Axe so I could give him a spritz…he smells pretty ripe. 🤢)
Now that I’m awake and throwing up in my mouth bits at a time due to Stinky Pete and his free-balling underarms, I might as well finish this up by noting the two important lessons that were reinforced for me this morning. 1) Shower before you’re going to be in tight quarters, even if it’s early and you don’t feel like it. (Yes, I did.) 2) When facing shifting circumstances and/or upheaval, you should assess the situation, commit to a course of action, and try to relax while the chips fall where they may. No sense stressing over something out of your control that hasn’t happened, especially if you’ve done your best to get your ducks in a row. No room for coulda-shoulda-wouldas in this one crazy life we’ve got.
So while I’m a bit all over the road (figuratively, of course, because right now I am literally in the air) I am pushing my perspective hard, like a Kentucky Derby jockey on a trusty mount running for the roses…I’m generally optimistic, and I know that my luck can change at any time, as evidenced by the fact that I won my first SB square ever on Sunday. (Q3 for a cool hundo.)
I chose the color “Clean Slate” for my pedicure yesterday in an attempt at manifesting. I’m trying to go with it, and I’m paddling hard, diagonally across but with the rip current, parallel with the shore. What else can I do (besides that and try to fall back to sleep after I send this)?
I’ll tell you this—I’m so glad to have you along for the ride, particularly in the bumpy times that may call for a dose or two of Dramamine. Thanks for the company.
Love you too.
Have a great vacation and time with your family!
Have a great vacation Nicky! Crazy weather but good call on moving your flight!!