Hello hello hello!
May this Tuesday morning find you doing well, inspired by the sun and the blooms, the warming temps, Holy Week (for those who believe and celebrate), or whatever else sets your soul on fire. The dark mornings are kind of a bitch, but…no need to dwell on that sh-t.
So…moving right along from the negative of the dark mornings, what shall I put a positive spin on today??? 😂😂😂
Last Thursday I was taking my customary morning social media scrollstroll and came across this post (which triggered the line of thinking that leads to this week’s entry):
When I saw the post I reflexively thought “Right on, Hoda” and kept on scrolling. But not long afterward I found myself mentally revisiting it thinking, “Well, except when you’re not doing the best you can…then you have to be honest with yourself...” On one hand we do have to be gentle with ourselves when we are doing the best we can. But on the other hand we need to continually challenge ourselves to make sure we actually are doing the best we can, and we can’t use “doing my best” as a crutch, lest we let ourselves live below our optimal life levels.
Anyway, that led me here, where it’s time for a bit of a reality check. Life is good, but it’s also annoying. And yes things could be worse…but they also could be better. Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but it’s also not all gloom and doom. Am I doing my best and should I be gentle with myself, given where I’m at right now?
As you (likely) know by now, I like to live authentically and honestly, and have put a fair amount of work into training my brain to be in the moment and keep a positive outlook—not borrowing trouble and not ruining what is with whatever was (or wasn’t) or whatever might be (or not be)—and I have experienced fairly decent results. I also realize that being in the moment means sometimes you’re rolling down lush green hills under a brilliant sun and other times you’re rolling with the punches (including both gut and sucker punches). Life is a series of peaks and valleys and having a positive outlook and being authentic are not mutually exclusive. Having a positive outlook does not mean being positive all the time or positive about everything—it’s about maintaining a positive perspective. For me the key is in managing the push and pull of reality and positivity, in processing the not-so-great things efficiently and effectively…so they don’t cast a shadow over all of the great things. You can have a positive outlook and still be real. As the old saying goes, “a place for everything and everything in its place”—and that includes feelings and emotions.
Lately, it’s been a bit of a grind. I went to my latest follow-up appointment last week (Wednesday) and the X-ray was clear, that I’m not healing as the doctor (or I) would like (and you need no radiology education to see that, but I’ll point it out for you anyway because I’m nice like that):
They told me that I need six more weeks of immobilization and no activity (OT included, so legit no activity) and they’ll re-assess on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, they didn’t say “let’s reassess on Cinco de Mayo, ole” but rather told me to make an appointment for six weeks out which just so happens to be May 5th. Priority 1 between now and then is following doctor’s orders but a close second priority is making sure my tequila stock is in order because I’ll be drinking up that night either way…to celebrate healing news or to drown out something else. I wasn’t the least bit happy with this lack of progress and I can not believe I was told to wait another six weeks for answers (down to five weeks already!). But it’s been seven weeks so far…and 12 weeks total is a long time. It’s ridiculous, actually. Three months‽
When I got this news, I could feel myself involuntarily compiling a mental list of malady-related bummers, and I did not love where it was heading. So I stopped short and awarded myself a single sulky day (not even a whole day, really, just the rest of that day) to be frustrated and a little bit blue, and then I’d have to bounce back. Fair enough.
During my self-prescribed sulking time I found myself thinking about the expression “make it a clean break” and how true the expression is, quite literally so. If I had made this one a clean break, the healing would (should) have been straightforward and I’d be in a much different (better) place right now. Interestingly, that was just the thought I needed to snap me out of my funk. I fell. My bone “exploded.” No one “did” anything. Accidents happen. The instant it hit me that I couldn’t have made it a clean break any more than I was the one who “made” it a nasty break, everything shifted. I didn’t get the report I wanted, but it was the report I got…so I decided then and there to stop focusing on where I’d hoped to be right now and instead focus on where I actually am…and to take a quick mental inventory of what is better today that it was last week.
And guess what? It’s a decent little list:
(Slow pace notwithstanding) I am healing, so that’s actually good.
Timing is everything and if this had happened at the exact same time two years ago it would have totally f-cked up the first leg of my 2019 adventure of a lifetime.
I can return to work on April 12th. Believe me, when you can’t do anything but little piddly things to pass the time, you yearn for something productive to do, including work…and while I’ll still be quite constrained/limited it will be good to get caught up and get back into a more engaging and challenging routine.
I can take a normal shower, and by “normal” I mean “without a plastic bag taped to my arm.” I still have to do everything one handed, but at least now I can clean and moisturize my left arm.
I can wear a much greater variety of shirts/tops. My sweatpant game is strong (thanks, COVID) but I did not have a lot of tops that fit over the cast. The splint is a much lower profile apparatus, so I’ve really been able to jazz up my shirt/top routine, including getting back into my favorite pajamas that just so happen to have long sleeves. Truth be told, I missed them…and my hoodies, especially with hoodie season winding down…
So there I was last Wednesday, in a funk but focused on honoring my feelings…and here I am now, having transported myself to a better headspace. I couldn’t just pretend that everything was awesome…I needed a little time and I took it, deliberately (admitted to myself that a blue indulgence was necessary) and with intent (I had to process and find a home for my unhappy emotions so I could get back to being content, if not overjoyed). And what do you know? It worked. I’m back to happy. (And annoyed. But mostly happy.)
So, “Am I doing the best I can?” I wonder.
I honestly don’t know…but I am sure that I am trying as hard as I can. So I guess when push comes to shove I have earned the right to be gentle with myself. Within reason. Because even when we’re trying and doing the best we can, we all need a little tough (self-)love sometimes.
All of this was reinforced during a phone call I had with one of my besties the other day.We were lamenting getting older (sigh), and noted that it’s important to do whatever we can every day, whatever it is, just because. And if we’re going to do it, we might as well bring it. (PSA #1: Pick up the phone and call someone you love but who you ever only text with. Trust me, you will not regret it.) (PSA #2: Say yes more often.)
I hope you have an awesome week, and each day hinges on showing up, on being present—even if you’re showing up to pick up the pieces of something, literally or figuratively.
And speaking of showing up, thanks for being here, because it really means more to me than you realize. See you next week, on Wednesday.