Whoa, here we are just about in the middle of July already. The weeks fly by faster the older I get and “publishing” on a weekly schedule seems to make them go by even faster. I can’t pump the brakes on the passage of time, so the only thing I can do is try to enjoy the moments I’m in more deeply when I’m in them…because every time I look back it’s a blur, and I can account only for a small fraction of the hours that have passed. But at least I can be relatively certain that I enjoyed them.
I have a funny feeling that the paragraphs that follow are gonna be a bit all over the road, because that’s kinda how I’m feeling lately…not in a bad way…just a bit scattered and fragmented…that’s “all.”
Last week reminded/re-taught me the the importance of flexibility and rolling with things, that there’s a time and a place for everything. And while I think there are plenty of circumstances that call for a fair amount of rigidity and structure, I think there are far more that benefit from the opposite. For me, part of my personal journey has been about being attuned to finding the right time and place for each, and realizing that while dealing with certain kinds of uncertainty (mainly the meaningless kinds) may not come easy to me, it’s something I need to work at.
But first let’s get this out there: I have this strange (unique?) malady (self-observed/diagnosed) that we’ve dubbed “Logistics Induced Anxiety Disorder (LIAD).” Essentially it means that when the logistics (of anything) are unclear, I get all wound up. So I can be flexible and relaxed in that I don’t care what we’re doing but if we don’t have a plan for how we’re going to do it, forget about me. (And also let me be clear, I know that if we haven’t been diagnosed we can’t say we have a condition, and I’m not tying to coopt any real diagnoses or minimize/disparage them…but we had to coin this term because it’s a real issue for me and it causes problems both for me and those around me. I think it’s genetic, but it doesn’t matter. I just want to be clear that I’m not minimizing the experience of anyone else with a formal diagnosis of any disorder but rather owning a real problem that I (and others who are with me) grapple with on the regular. What time do we have to leave? Where will we park? What if there’s no parking? Do we need a reservation? Etc. etc. etc.) I mention this because it’s a battle I have to fight almost every time some non-critical piece of a plan changes…I’m able to u-turn without issue, but damned if I don’t want every last logistical detail locked down within moments of my doing so…so that’s another thing for me to keep working on. And it almost exclusively has to do with the social things, not the professional ones.
Just wanted to provide that context.
Sometimes life is about swaying in the wind and being ok with one thing one minute and one thing the next…and resisting the urge to get bogged down by hypotheticals and mights and maybes. You can’t control the weather but you can control how much fun you have…and when I last wrote I was about to go make my black bean salad and was hoping for the best with the rescheduled cookout. Simple, straightforward, and often overlooked moral of the story here is this: Forget the weather, because you can’t control it. But you can control how much fun you have and damn, did we have a lot of it.
Speaking of hypotheticals, I’m totally digging this song (and overall I like the whole Lake Street Dive vibe):
Same moral, different circumstances: you can’t control every outcome but you can control your response. Last Tuesday I went back to the gym, exactly 5 months after exploding my wrist, and as excited as I was to go back as the hour drew nearer I found myself getting ridiculously and palpably nervous. I couldn’t strength train during my recovery time, but I definitely did my best with what I had…walking with a brick on my back, swimming, and lots of squats and “good mornings,” simply because that was what I could do…despite all my “work,” going back to the gym was next-level anxiety-inducing. But it was a-ok. Yeah I needed some modifications but I hung in and kept up for the most part and felt pretty good. Same for visit #2 on Saturday. The one minute wall squats holding a 15-pound plate over my head were a grind…but oh did I try.
I could have easily sat on my ass when I was broken and in pain and had every excuse in the book to sit still…yet I did not…as a result, I was able to ease back into my workouts without issue and so I’m proud of my “maintenance.” Moral: there really is no crying over spilt milk. Save your tears—life will make sure you really need them at some point anyway.
But let’s be honest there are still times when something suddenly comes up and I’m not surfing the wave of life like a pro…I’m more like a turtle on its back in a puddle. Like on Saturday and then again on Monday when we discovered a fair amount of water in the basement from a breach that was a direct result of a downspout rerouting that was part of the new side porch project last November. I was not very relaxed or calm or “oh well” about it as it unfolded, but the basement was quickly clean and dry thanks to Kerri…and Jeff (our contractor) will re-reroute it when he gets a chance. You know what? It’s ok if I don’t roll with it every time…that’s how it is. Live and learn.
From a practical standpoint, no discussion of transformation is complete without a general mention of growth, rebirth, renewal, and blah blah blah…and this week, it’s all about Contrary Nicole Mary and how her garden grows…it’s unreal. So let’s let this picture paint 1000 words, showing 6 weeks worth of growth and leave it at that:
And also on the subject of physical transformation, shoutout to my local Shaw’s for the facelift on the outside and the in-process improvements inside. Their produce section feels positively high-end now that they’ve got that faux-wood laminate floor installed.
Anyway, moving along (this is a real stream-of-consciousness piece for sure, so thanks for following along…or trying to)…
As much as I adore saying the word “apropos” the expression “apropos of nothing” makes no sense to me. Isn’t virtually everything apropos of something, maybe something subconscious, maybe something tangential…but still of something?
I mention this because the other day (for reasons consciously unbeknownst to me) I had a seemingly primitive and immediate need to play David Byrne singing “Don’t Fence Me In” and in doing so provided myself with the audio therapy I needed. The next day “Wide Open Spaces” by The (Dixie-less) Chicks came on some rando playlist that I was listening to while walking…and the song stirred me to the core, viscerally yet vaguely…so I’ve been reflecting on that a bit, trying to figure it out…which I haven’t, really, not beyond determining it must have something to do with being 54 and so specifically happy yet so non-specifically unsettled…which maybe is just a normal byproduct of a general awareness that time marches on and there’s more of my road in the rearview than leading toward the horizon.
Here’s the David Byrne version of the Cole Porter song if you’re interested:
So anyway, how I write this in a typical week is I throw in a bunch of notes down as I think of things…and then the night before it’s due I sit down and weave the bits together…the next morning I proofread quickly and make adjustments the next before hitting “Publish.” So last night I sat down and read the intro paragraph, which I started days before the whole David Byrne thing…and as I went back and re-read it to refine and edit it, I was struck by the subconscious connection of my thoughts…I surprised and freaked myself out a little bit as I read it all together, even though I was the one who wrote it—the need to play that song was very apropos of something. Things don’t feel related or connected as they happen, but what do you know…they are! I’m feeling the pressure of time, of life…I understand the question they ask in Hamilton, “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?” Because we’re all running out of time—I’m just hyper-aware of it now for whatever reason(s).
Two other final lessons in transformation this week:
The Leveler ladder by Little Giant is a game changer. It’s a ladder, it’s a step stool, and it’s so much more. After years of standing dangerously tippy toed atop a step stool, we’re now tackling overdue home projects like the goddamn Property Brothers.
These are repeat concepts, but I’m repeating them because I think they bear repeating: a) stay open to possibility and b) say yes (even (especially) when you want to say no). Saturday we went to the Red Sox game (their 9-game home winning streak ended in a shellacking by the Phillies but who cares?) with a friend of mine and his wife. It was great to see them, great to be back at Fenway, great (amazing, actually) sitting in seats that allowed/required me to put my beer can on top of the (Phillies) dugout between sips (yes, front row, you read that right), great that it was cloudy and therefore not hot as balls, great to be in a crowd, great to be unmasked, etc. etc. etc. Regarding my second point, about saying “yes”…when Ryan asked if we were free to go to the game, we were, and the “yes” came without hesitation. But sometimes you get offers like this and hedge on your answer, giving yourself time to find reasons to say “no.” Instead find reasons to say “yes.” Saying yes is mission-critical when it comes to self-transformation, and it often can be life changing. Now about my first point, staying open, I mentioned going to the game with my friend and his wife. I first typed “my college friend” but then deleted “college” and changed it to “my friend from college.” I ended up leaving it as “just” friend…Ryan and I did go to college together. But for a number of innocuous reasons, we weren’t friends at that time…we ran in different circles, didn’t have any classes together, etc. etc. We connected around our 25th reunion have become great friends since. At the time he seemed like a good dude…and I’m also an ok person…and just because we weren’t college friends, there was no reason we couldn’t be now friends. So 25 years after graduation I made a great friend out of an old classmate. He’s someone whose presence in my life is something I appreciate very much, most of the time. He’s smart, fun, funny, generous, a good guy…and my life is that much better for our friendship (seriously, I never would have cooked anything sous vide were it not for him). Life changes, we change…so stay open…if you ask me it’s how to make sure that your life gets better the longer it goes on.
So as I just mentioned, life is always changing. If we’re not always changing, life will leave us in the dust. So hit the road of life and enjoy as many steps as you can…we’ll all end up in the dust eventually anyway, so roll with it while you can…lean into the turns, squeal with delight when you go over the bumps, take in the views, and enjoy the company.
I appreciate you being here so much, and especially during this week’s bumpy and winding traffic jam of words and thoughts. It happens…so I’m rolling with it. 🤷♀️
Have a great week. “See” you Wednesday.