I love this visual. So much.
Lately, many days feel like I’m climbing a mountain, at least mentally and emotionally. Occasionally I feel like I end the day on high, having earned my right to strike a victory pose before bed. Other days I muddle in the middle. And sometimes, the day ends and I find myself in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the pile.
When all is said and done?
Life is one giant game of Chutes & Ladders.
You win some, you lose some, and you owe it all to chance…with control over how many games you, how you respond to winning or losing, and how you deal with playing against quitters (what?) and/or cheaters (gasp!).
The last week+ has been a nausea-inducing series of ups and downs and twists and turns and highs and lows…more so than any other week+ that I can remember. And this tumult that I am feeling RIGHT NOW is sandwiched between the observed holiday of MLK’s birthday and the inauguration of a new presidential administration (served with generous sides that I didn’t order, like heightened sensibilities and raw sensitivities, to name but a few).
“Unity” and “healing” are what we need most, yet those are terms that are now widely mocked, spoken frequently with derision…but let me ask you this, what exactly is the alternative?
People are so angry. About what, specifically, I don’t know…and in many cases I’m finding that the angry people don’t really know either.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world,” said Gandhi. And now I understand that there are different ways to be that change—not everything I try will work. Sometimes I have to step back, sometimes I have to engage, sometimes I have to step back and then re-engage in a different way—that’s the trial and error of life. Admittedly, these days I am finding myself with more moments than I’d like that are filled with sheer frustration—and worse yet some moments that I hate the most, moments where I wish I just. Didn’t. Care.
Here’s a condensed version of a recent experience that illustrates the cycle of my angst:
I recommended a book to an acquaintance, who rejected the recommendation summarily in the form of providing a link to the Wikipedia page of the author, and saying essentially “not a chance.”
WTF? You seriously take the word of a Wikipedia entry over mine?
WTAF?
My thoughtful (and genuine) recommendation was trumped by Wikipedia‽
Wait a minute.
What do I care? And why do I?
Oh wait, I don’t care. About that.
I mean, on one level it’s disappointing to be below “Wikipedia” on anyone’s “Things I Trust” list but why do I really care?
Oh wait, I don’t care. About that.
I tried. I don’t care enough about this person to try again—it’s the larger issue, watching others dig in on their defense of alternative facts, that has me spinning.
And then yesterday, on MLK Day, this person started my Facebook day with these words: “Let’s see who can virtue signal the hardest today.”
A) Why do some people have such a problem with virtues? Why are they so skeptical?
and
B) Dude, you just won your own (useless and meaningless) “contest” with that post (you giant clueless hypocrite). (And what does it prove anyway?)
All this from the same fringe “friend” who recently mused about whether vaccination cards were becoming the new “I voted” sticker. 🤦🏼♀️
And so goes my angst.
(Don’t worry, I unfollowed.)
Seriously what is wrong with walking the walk and talking the talk in an attempt to drive change? What’s wrong with talking about virtue? There are some people who appear to thrive on drama and negativity…and the worst are the people who provoke, who search for cracks and hurl grenades into them when they do…and then when things blow up act they surprised, indignant, and self-righteous. “I don’t have to virtue signal because I live a good and honest life that I don’t need to talk about,” from the same type of person who has more questions about the Vegas shooting or Jeffrey Epstein than the riot at the Capitol. *shrug*
The thing I’m angry about now is that I let it get to me. That I let something that doesn’t objectively matter cut in to my precious supply of energy and emotion. I think a lot of us are falling into that trap lately. You try to think the best of and see the best in others, but what does that really mean? You give them the benefit of the doubt? You believe they’ll eventually listen to reason and follow facts, so you keep trying? What?
To help answer the question, you listen to Maya Angelou: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
“They” don’t care, so why should you?
I’ve taken plenty of time to reflect on my own experience/behavior/response relative to the model above and decided that am going to spend some time being extra-mindful of my journey up, down, and across the mountain of every moment, specifically focusing on one characteristic from each level of The Climb that I want to develop, aspire to, or optimize in an attempt to minimize the time I spend in the steamy pile of shit at the bottom of the mountain:
Takes things personally. This one for me isn’t a matter of taking things personally per se but more a matter of needing to stop feeling things personally. While in this day and age EQ may be far more important than IQ (although you can’t get far with one and not the other), I still need to work hard to find balance between the two. So I’m going to try to internalize less and care differently, more selectively. Curated caring.
Is built for climbing. Always be scrambling, and always trust in my ability to climb. Even when I feel weak and am unclear on what I am climbing or where I am going, I have to keep moving. Believe in my own strength and ability to get to the next level, whatever that may be.
Knows limits. In understanding and respecting my own limits, I think I’ll be able to optimize the impacts I can make in areas and in relationships that matter most to me, by playing to my strengths (but not necessarily staying in my lane). Understanding my limits will also keep me from (inadvertently) running afoul of people I care about…bonus.
Some random things that have crossed my mind in non-specific ways of late but clearly apropos of all the turmoil…I share them to further illustrate the thinking that has accompanied this week’s journey on the mountain:
Rightness and righteousness seem to have been conflated in many cases, and it seems that in many of those cases rightness is all that matters. You can be righteous without being self-righteous (or right), and you can be proud of that virtue. But fighting just to be right? What does that get you? What does that make you?
E pluribus unum. Out of many, one. When our country’s motto rings hollow and feels more like a death knell than a rallying cry, it’s a sad day. But I can’t take it personally. I must find ways up the mountain in an obsessive pursuit of facts, remembering that my journey is about my growth and my peace…no more and no less…what do I want to do? What can I live with? If at the end of the day I am answering my own questions truthfully and authentically, I will sleep soundly. That said, good sleep has eluded me for days—that’s no accident and I need to get to the bottom of it.
“Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.” (Thomas Jefferson) But not all opinions are created equal, opinions aren’t facts, and when opinions are heretical, lines are drawn.
There’s huge opportunity in focusing on how to make things better (positive) vs harping on what’s wrong (negative). Enough with comparing symptoms—move to solutions. No talking about problems for me without being able to a) propose a solution or b) having an arsenal of questions that need answering to get to a solution.
We need a word for people who are both optimists and realists (and not the phrase “realistic optimists”—too obvious!). And we also need to stop the frequency with which we treat “realism” as a synonym for “cynicism.”
There’s something really jarring about being at such an important crossroad…we’re all in it together but yet at each others’ throats without a clue as to what anyone else is really going through. What a mess.
We’d be a lot better off if we could eliminate the use of labels—I’ll start by limiting my use of them.
Committing a crime is not a political or patriotic act—it’s a criminal act. Full stop.
Today, I look forward. I look ahead, I look up….look to the sides. But not behind. The division of yesterday is in the rearview, the promise of tomorrow is a beacon of hope. A new President who seems to put love of country before love of self. A VP who is a woman. The youngest poet (22) to read at an inauguration. This is exciting. Things are changing—it’s a huge opportunity to play a part in driving sustainable change for the better. Don’t look backward—it doesn’t matter. I often remind myself that I can’t change a thing I did but I can change everything I do.
As I noted yesterday on Facebook (trying to “just” be social, though I’ll repeat it here mainly because these hopes and dreams and ideals shouldn’t be limited to a single day, and because it’s about a different kind of mountain than the maturity climb, but it’s also about the same mountain, life):
His birthday was Friday, his holiday is today, his influence is every day. So many great quotes to choose from, but the one on the monument itself seems most fitting this year, on many levels: “Out of the mountain of despair, a stone of hope.”
It’s not about “side” or party or ideology...it’s all about hope, which can come from anywhere. So in this time of transition and turmoil, as we inhabit this seeming mountain of despair of a world...what is within each of us, how will each of us rise from this moment?
#choosehope
Anyhow, the root of so many problems is “social” media—it amplifies, it echoes, it distorts…it pushes limits and gets away with as much as it can…we let it when we like it and we reject it when we don’t. But “social media” itself is a false construct, this made up “media” where facts don’t matter, people can say whatever they want—democracies, families, friendships ripped apart. As the dissemination of information has become less specialized, how do we decide what is worth reporting? Who gets to decide? It used to be that you got your news from, well, the news—on TV, papers, magazines…there was some sense of factual accuracy and trust built in. But no more.
I’ll be spending some time over the coming days and weeks thinking carefully about what I can do to put the social back in my own social media engagement. That will be a good first step. Guiding my rules of engagement, three questions 1) does this even matter?; 2) am I trying to advance the discussion ?; and 3) is my energy, effort, and emotion worth spending on this?
The noise in the echo chamber is deafening. How do I reduce the noise so I can hear the music?
I don’t have any answers but I definitely could use a happy dance. For no other reason than because a good tune is cranking and I’m feeling an irresistible dance in my soul.
Thanks for sticking with me and for being here, especially because this one was kinda long; have a great week.
It's been quite the month to process individually and collectively! I'm still going through it myself.
Your rules of engagement reminded me of a chapter from So you want to talk about race by Ijeoma Oluo. She presents 15 points to keep in mind when talking about race, but many of them are valuable for any conversation and have stuck with me since reading them. Summarizing a few:
1. State your intentions (Do you know why you're having this conversation? Do you know why it matters to you?)
2. Remember your top priority and don't let your emotions override that.
3. Do your research.
4. When you feel defensive, stop and ask yourself why.
5. Ask yourself if you're trying to be right or trying to do better.
6. Stop trying to jump back in when a conversation is beyond saving.
Oluo explains each point further and her context adds even more value (the whole book is phenomenal!), but I wanted to share some of the overlapping ideas I noticed between your blog and her book. Over the past few years I've found myself in the middle of many unproductive conversations. Looking back I can recognize the times I wanted to be right above all or those where I was so focused on changing someone's mind that I lost track of what was important. Keeping "rules" like yours and Oluo's in mind will hopefully lead to more valuable interactions and help protect my sanity. I hope it works that way for you too :) Cheers!