I’ve meandered down seemingly every side street in every neighborhood in every city and town in my mind as I tried to figure out how to frame my thinking this week.
To say there is a lot of movement in the world right now, or a lot of division, or a lot of noise, or a lot shifting would all be massive understatements, regardless of vantage point. No matter how you look at it, the world is a-shudder right now, and I don’t think it is any accident that we felt a 4.2 magnitude earthquake in New England Sunday morning…a symbolic reminder from the Universe about who is in the ultimate charge of things. It was hard for me to find my focus with so much shit afoot.
However, I am steadfast in my belief that not being in charge doesn’t grant me an absolution of responsibility for how things unfold, for how I unfold. Nor does it mean a loss of control.
Every day for the last seven or eight years, I have written down the high point of my day, and these high points have ranged from major events, like, say, standing in the sun on the Great Wall of China to finding a great new recipe to a hot shower after a good workout to…simply…muscling…through…a…hard…day. The high points are relative to what’s going on in my life and the world and the reality is that some days the highs aren’t that high…but even so every day has a high point, and it’s worth noting. This kind of active positive reflection is something that has been really good for me, and when I look back I can see the tracks of my transformation in my notes—evolution that motivates and encourages and inspires me (especially because I sometimes miss and forget to appreciate the progress of small/incremental change). This daily approach is easy and takes little time, but it forces me to reflect on how I’m experiencing my life in 24-hour increments and forces me to answer the same two questions daily: 1) Am I actively enjoying or appreciating something, even on the dark days? and 2) How can tomorrow be better?
Through a combination of keeping track of the high points, professional/personal work/life experience, ongoing education, and intensive leadership development work, I have at long last debunked the myth that held me back, that transformation is too big for me, and outside of my realm of possibility. How wrong I’ve been! Now I know the truth—transformation is small and manageable—not easy, but manageable—and I also see the best thing about it, how rewarding it can be.
Transformation is about you, and you alone.
And this matters now, maybe more than ever.
As the nation has become more divided and more polarized over the last two or four or six or 200 or however many years, we find ourselves at a(nother) crossroad. Since the Biden/Harris ticket was announced as the likely winner of Election 2020, there has been no shortage of swiping across the aisle. 74M votes for Biden, 71M for Trump. A small margin separates the two—but the division in the country feels inversely proportional. The race may have been close, but the two sides couldn’t be further apart. And that sentence shows what I think the biggest problem is right now—we talk about two sides, as if the nation has only two sides. Take the 145M people who voted (give or take)—how many sides does each of those people have? Let’s just say 3, for illustrative purposes. 145M people in 3D = 435M sides. My point here is simple: this isn’t about two sides, it’s about all of the unique dimensions of all the individuals—and thus we need to get down understanding things and relating at an individual level to build things back up in a coordinated and productive and sustainable way. Jamming identities and beliefs and ideologies into two boxes is ridiculous—and in allowing ourselves to be jammed into one of them, we are, more often than not, sacrificing the very identities and beliefs and ideologies that got us jammed into the stupid boxes in the first place. Yikes. Kinda effed up.
But some of what I have noticed over the last few days is that there are people on opposing sides sharing the same (inflammatory) rhetoric—interesting, yes, but maybe we actually aren’t as far apart as we think.
So let’s go back to what I just said:
Transformation is about you, and you alone.
So here are three keys to personal transformation that I’ve learned:
Look inward. Maybe, just maybe, if we each focus on ourselves as a multi-dimensional American and ask and answer the question “what can I do?”—without worrying about what “they” did for the last four years, or without assuming we know what “they” will do next—then maybe in some ensuing action we’ll each start a ripple effect that joins with other ripples to become a swell that joins with other swells to become a sea change. Maybe. A relevant example in today’s times might be a conscious commitment to assuming positive intent and asking clarifying questions before concluding about, say, an opposing point of view (even one based on something other than facts).
Keep it local. Think about your sphere of love and influence. And start with self-love (because it feels good) and self-influence (because if we won’t listen to ourselves that’s not a good sign that anyone else will)—what do you want to think or do differently? Believe that you can re-train your brain to think and act in new ways. Remember the slow build—transformation is gradual and continual—it never ends. So measure yourself against yourself every day, and commit to doing better tomorrow. Rather than rage against the proverbial machine, find a local activity or organization where you can have an impact. Have an open dialogue with someone who sees things differently. Take time to explain your perspective rather than simply criticizing theirs. Read a book. Spend time on enriching or enjoying yourself rather than worrying about the amorphous, ambiguous, shadowy “them.”
Start small-ish. Gandhi’s known for the great quote: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” That’s a noble goal and certainly is something to aspire to. I’m not exactly sure how, for now I say stop worrying about that and instead focus on being a person you’re proud of when your head hits the pillow at night, and a person committed to being and doing better when your feet hit the floor in the morning. Like instead of responding with the equivalent of “I know you are but what am I?” and saying “Why should I pursue unity when all you did the last four years was divide us?” try looking ahead and demonstrating what unity looks like. Model the behavior you want to see in others.
The classic song Turn! Turn! Turn! by The Byrds starts off like this:
To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
Plant the seeds of cognition and self-awareness, and watch empathy and happiness grow. Seriously, if even a fraction of the 145M who voted in last week’s presidential election do this, where will we be in a year or in four years or in a decade or in a century?
I’ve often said that I can’t change anything I’ve done but I can change everything I do. The more I reflect and I adjust, the better I do…and the happier I’ve become.
Your transformation is all about you. Don’t you want to be happy?
P.S. Hamilton still is the perfect soundtrack for these times. Don’t believe me? Listen to Wait for It (“I am the one thing in life I can control”)…crank it up! Because it really is the perfect soundtrack for these times.