Life is Nice.
What’s up Wednesday. (What isn’t up‽‽‽)
It’s Wednesday so let’s fire up the summary of stuff that’s occupying my time and my mind, shall we?
Oui.
(Since when have I gotten all fancy and French you ask? Please hold. You’ll find out.)
Let’s start with what I’m reading.
I finished (the awfully titled) The Courage to Be Disliked and now am on to Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. TCTBD had some interesting and useful insights…though it required me to get past some two-fold awkwardness: the title itself and the conversational construct the book is written in. Regarding the title, I kept telling myself “that’s not what they mean (right?)” (I was right) and regarding the construct I kept thinking “that notwithstanding, they make some reaaaalllllly interesting points” (allowing me to forgive the hokey dialogue structure). Overall the book helped me think about many everyday things in a different way. And in the end it’s not about actively endeavoring to be disliked but rather not worrying about being liked—live your life for you!
I finally moved Four Thousand Weeks from my wish list (where it had been languishing) to my shopping cart after reading this quote from it in my absolute favorite newsletter, 3-2-1 by James Clear (check the newsletter out here if you haven’t already):
II.
Journalist and writer Oliver Burkeman shares a strategy for generosity he learned from meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein:
"Whenever a generous impulse arises in your mind – to give money, check in on a friend, send an email praising someone's work – act on the impulse right away, rather than putting it off until later.
When we fail to act on such urges, it's rarely out of mean-spiritedness, or because we have second thoughts about whether the prospective recipient deserves it. More often, it's because of some attitude stemming from our efforts to feel in control of our time. We tell ourselves we'll turn to it when our urgent work is out of the way, or when we have enough spare time to do it really well; or that we ought first to spend a bit longer researching the best recipients for our charitable donations before making any, et cetera.
But the only donations that count are the ones you actually get around to making. And while your colleague might appreciate a nicely worded message of praise more than a hastily worded one, the latter is vastly preferable to what's truly most likely to happen if you put it off, which is that you'll never get around to sending that message."
Source: Four Thousand Weeks
4K Weeks was the book I referenced last week, and you can catch up on that conversation here if you missed it and are so inclined.
Anyway the book provides a very compelling and convincing perspective on how and why we’re doing it all wrong when it comes to “effectively” using our time. To cut to the chase, once we make peace with the fact that there isn’t enough time to do it all, we can give ourselves permission to avoid distraction and actively/mindfully/ deliberately focus our attention (aka our lives) on the things we want to do. I’m oversimplifying so as not to spoil the book too much, but if spending time wisely in ways that optimize your satisfaction and happiness is something you struggle with, and if you want to come to terms with your choices and stop judging yourself, I highly recommend a read.
As it so happens this book was a very good (unplanned) companion to TCTBD—while 4K Weeks frees you from self-judgment, TCTBD (in part) frees you from worrying about the judgment of others. There were a lot of important complementary themes, three of which I will share here. Because even if you don’t read either of the books I think these ideas could be useful.
1. There are many, MANY, MANY! things that you may fret about, but that you are the only one who cares about…so maybe they aren’t *that* important after all. Like when you look in the mirror, it’s highly likely that you’re the only one who cares how you look.
2. Often times when we procrastinate, the real reason is that we are afraid to do whatever we are procrastinating. We are afraid we won’t get the response we’re hoping for or the outcome we desire. So we distract ourselves with reasons for not doing something, reasons that more likely are excuses. We lie to ourselves, all the time. Just. Do. It. (And deal with the consequences. No more wondering, no more worrying. Knowledge is power after all.)
3. We have a choice. We choose where we focus our attention (and what we do choose can say a lot about what isn’t important to us, so pay attention), and we choose what we care about. TCTBD introduces the idea of “separation of tasks” which is, essentially, focusing only on executing whatever whatever is your task to execute, your thing to bear. Say I write this blog and no one likes it or comments or even reads it. I can fester about why people don’t like my work and set my bad attitude on simmer all day, sure, but if I think about it relative to separation of tasks, you reading (or not) is your task, not mine. So if I focus on my tasks, like to keep writing with the hope of getting you and other people to read, or if I am so inclined to ask some of you why you do or don’t read or whatever, I’ll probably get a lot of satisfaction, regardless of who reads it. Writing is my task. Reading and (possibly) responding is yours. The separation of tasks is a clean and clear way to determine where my focus should be and, just as importantly, where it shouldn’t be. It’s a way to delineate where my concern or worry ends and yours begins (or not). Hypothetically, say I submit a report to my boss and don’t get a response, or thanks, let alone praise (God forbid!), well, I can’t worry about that. My job was to produce the report—praising me (or not) is my boss’ task, and if I only wrote the report to get praise, well, that’s just a dumb reason to do anything. That said, if I need feedback from my boss to do something else with the report and am not getting that, I can either invent reasons why she’s silent and introduce potentially needless worry…or I can take on a task of following up and attempting to get the input I need. My task is to get what I need done, not to surmise about why someone else is or isn’t doing whatever or what some else is or isn’t feeling. Whatever I can do I should do, but if it’s something I cannot do I’m wise not to waste time worrying. Live your life.
After finishing (and neither liking nor disliking) Broken Horses, I moved on to a beefy (580 pages) work of fiction (and allegedly part 1 of a trilogy)—Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen. Before I talk about that allow me to explain my neutrality regarding BH: other than the fact that she is a Joni Mitchell whisperer, I just don’t get all that jazzed up by Brandi Carlile. I like some of her music, but I find her persona and her affect (and this carried over to the book) a bit…boring.
Crossroads, on the other hand—despite some of the reviews I read—is anything but boring. It’s a sweeping drama of a book (fitting if the trilogy bit is to believed), with lots of core characters, lots of fringe players, plenty of overlap of varying degree, lots of interrelationships, and no shortage of unanswered questions and unexplored plot points…so it’s held my interest and entertained me, though if you’re looking for a buckle-your-seatbelt, hold-on-tight, cutting-edge roller coaster ride, that’s not what you’re going to get. But if you want richness of language and depth of character and hyper-nuanced relationships, you’ll love it.
That said, as much as I like the work (I read The Corrections and recall having a similar reaction to it, but it was a long time ago and highly likely that I misremember), I can’t help but be slightly irritated by what feels like pretension. It’s an annoyance not unlike mosquitoes on a perfectly perfect summer night—a pain in the ass but not enough to make me go inside. I wonder if I met Jonathan Franzen at a party whether would we spend the night in gales of laughter or whether we would loathe each other after exchanging only a few words. Not that it matters. I’m just trying to characterize the less-than-straightforward relationship between my enjoyment of the book and my low-grade general consternation. Not love-hate but def love-annoy.
What’s on the telly?
We’re still doing a pretty crappy job of chipping away at our To Watch list, but I did watch two single-season (one has been renewed the other is TBD) shows in their entirety, both on Netflix.
The first one is Heartstopper. It’s a sweet beyond sweet show of two British schoolboys falling in love, in an unlikely coupling that makes friends of each of the boys go hmmmm…I keep typing and deleting the word “sweet” to describe it, but there’s a reason for that—the show is just…so…sweet. Well done, sensitive, honest, and with a killer soundtrack to boot. Five stars, highly recommend.
The other show is called Uncoupled and stars Neil Patrick Harris, whose boyfriend dumps him out of the blue after an 18-year relationship; it focuses on how NPH attempts to re-learn to live as a single/to date in NYC in the aftermath of the breakup. As I was watching this one I felt like I was seeing a different chapter in a story arc that well may have been started by Nick and Charlie across the pond. I enjoyed this one too, though in a very different way—the word “sweet” isn’t a descriptor I’d use for anything about it. Some of the dialogue, I experienced viscerally, like one exchange between the exes that went something like this…the one who left said: “I don’t know that I was unhappy exactly, it’s just so much of our lives had been together…everything going forward seemed so inevitable…I just couldn’t accept the fact that the rest of my story had already been written.” And NPH replies, “Funny…I found that comforting.” Gut punch on one hand, yeah, but a massive reminder…in the words of the song by Natasha Bedingfield on the other hand, “the rest is still unwritten!” It always is! (And if you’re not finding your own happiness and blaming it on something external (like a relationship) maybe you’re the problem not the relationship. You gotta come to terms with what actually is, then you can do something about it. No excuses.)
Regarding The BacheloretteS, well, Kerri and I watched both parts last week and in summary: it’s a train wreck. Overall I think the (lack of) success of the series’ couplings indicates that maybe the love-finding formula it serves up is love poison vs love potion. Like why is an engagement required and why do people even want that after so little time getting to know each other? And what’s up with people wanting (demanding?) exclusivity while there are still multiple suitors in the game? How’s your gaslighting? Or what about the people who seem surprised that they’re expected to propose(even though it’s ridiculous)? Dude that’s what you signed up for. And then it’s really weird when the Bachelor(ettes) make their final determination about who they love…not based on love at all but rather based on who actually is willing to get engaged, if that’s what it takes to win. It makes no sense. Screw love! 🤦🏼♀️ Yet I watch…and I’m coming to conclude that perhaps matters of ratings and matters of the heart well may be mutually exclusive. Seriously at this point these two should be called Gabby Whiny and Rachel Retched-one. I feel like they both seem a little (needlessly) desperate. “Going into this rose ceremony, I’m ready to be done.” Sounds like love to me. 😂. The show is preposterous and amusing and is not to be taken seriously…other than as a sad reflection of what the world is coming to. I’m not looking forward to getting home but I will be happy when I’m on my couch with Kerri and seeing the final two eps. “Most dramatic finale ever!” (They say that every time but still…)
Good sips.
Someone Kerri used to skate with and her husband opened a brewery in North Attleboro (about a 40-minute drive from us), called Angle Tree. It was a gorgeous day Saturday so we made the trek down and were not disappointed. Place was packed, great setup, lots of beers on tap, and lots of the beers were excellent. Worth a stop! (And if you’re hungry and Middle Eastern food is your jam, take the 2-minute drive to Habibi’s for dinner…it was terrific!)
But now, the most important thing…what I’m doing…
I said “oui” at the beginning of this because, since Saturday, I’ve been kinda parley-vous-ing bad Francais on the regular, here in Nice, France. My sisters and I took my mom on this trip for her 80th birthday (which was in June). So when I got back from Canada and mentioned planning my next vacation (below if it’s of interest), this was it.
Long story short:
Living.
The.
Dream.
Obviously it’s a trip of a lifetime. I’m not sure that the four of us have ever traveled anywhere, just the four of us (none of us can recall a time, anyway), so it’s great to be able to have this shared experience just among us. I also decided, as I struggled to get 9-days’ of stuff in a carryon, that I don’t suffer from travel stress at all…it was and always has been packing stress, misdirected and misunderstood. But here we are. And I did. it.
And now that we’ve been here four days (this is the start of Day 5), well, while no one will ever accuse me of having anything remotely resembling a flair for fashion, I am assimilating quite nicely here and I do feel perfectly suited for this low-key beach and cafe lifestyle, simply minus the couture.
So far, it’s been amazing. Weather has been A+.* Decadence and indulgence, A++.
(*except for today, which is a rainy one…Mother Nature is forcing my mom’s aging batteries to recharge…and giving me some time for this…but now the rain has stopped and so we’re off…like that old naked man’s pants 😂😂😂.)
We’ve spent a lot of time at the beach here in Nice, touring (we went to Eze and Monaco), shopping, drinking, eating, and laughing in part due to “ugly naked guy” on the balcony across the way (for real). In a nutshell, it’s been pretty special. The pics speak for themselves, I think.
I’m sure I’ll be talking more about this next week since we still have a half of a vacation left, but as of now, here we are.
Before I go, I want to share this with you (my listening spree of it was obviously triggered by recent events) out of no disrespect whatsoever (RIP, HRM 👑🙏🏼❤️🩹) but because it’s really one of the best albums there is IMO. And I know (for fact because I confirmed it) that I’m not the only one listening to it on repeat. No shame in admitting it. Facts are facts…and The Queen is, in fact, dead.
Thanks for your sharing your time and attention (aka your life) with me. I know you have a choice about what you do with your one wild and precious life (see Mary Oliver’s “The Summer Day”) and I’m grateful you’ve chosen to spend a bit of it with me.
Bonne journee. And au revoir.
See you Stateside, soon.
Love you too. Je t’aime aussi.
Two weeks late but I needed to congratulate you on that 9-day carry-on packing job!! We recently took a 9-day trip to Colorado which included a few nights of camping. I fit two people's worth of camping gear in my (now) favorite duffle bag and I couldn't stop exclaiming about it lol. Finally - someone who gets me :)
(shameless plug for Baboon to the Moon for getting our stuff safely to and from)