Feel-ok Friday

It’s not particularly good, but it is ok…and that’s ok.

Maybe there was some prescience in last week’s post when I spoke about my special skills when it comes to leisurehood and I lamented the fact that I wish I had the financial means to pursue it.

Because since 3:15 last Thursday, I’ve got plenty of time for leisurehood…and zero financial means to support it.

In other words: I got laid off last week.

D’oh.

(As an aside, if you’re wondering why you didn’t hear this from me directly aka 1:1 vs via this medium, it’s nothing personal. It’s just me…and it’s because I don’t want it to be a “thing.” It’s not something particularly newsworthy or a source of pride…so don’t feel snubbed. Also there’s no need for you to share this news on my behalf with anyone you think should know. I’m not planning on sending a memo but I am planning on letting people I care about know, organically, conversationally. Or maybe when I feel a little better about things, I will send a memo after all. Plus I don’t want anyone to worry about me nor do I care to be an object of pity. So don’t be offended if this is the first you’re hearing of it. It’s relatively breaking news, and I’m still processing. Just sit with it for a bit, kind of like I’m sitting with things for a bit—and allow me to share my professional transition update on my terms, in my time. That’s an important part of me reclaiming and owning my story. Please and thank you.)

Anyhow, it was unexpected, yet not wholly surprising. The bottom line is that no matter what, when you get let go effective immediately, it’s a different kind of hit than when you get laid off with some notice. Like “you want me out of here that bad???” It’s true what they say, that when it comes down to it, employees care about employers more than the reverse. But still…that old adage is true. Actions speak louder than words. And both hurt.

Sigh.

So yeah, it feels pretty shitty, whether I’m well rid of them or not. Because they’ve been clear that they are well rid of me, and that’s a feeling that isn’t easy to accept or shake. It’s certainly a hit to my professional confidence anyway. And the suddenness of it is fueling the office rumor mill like those big bowls of gruel fueled the orphans in Oliver Twist…plus I’m not a fan of being fodder…

Sigh.

What an awful start to a Feel-good Friday post, huh?

But how it starts doesn’t dictate how it ends, and as a weird kind of motivation I’m flashing back to that seemingly ill-timed F-GF post in 2/21 when I was forced to report about a shattered wrist. 🤦‍♀️ That worked out well enough, and life is life… sometimes unpleasant things happen…all’s well that ends well though, right?

Except it never ends, really, until end ends—so if you’re nodding your head in agreement and thinking “yeah, yeah, all is well that ends well” you probably have another thing coming. If you’re focused on things ending well, well, forget it…life is constant motion…so really you just gotta process whatever thing the thing is and allow it only to consume as few of the nows as possible. Because when the end comes, the fun stops. So don’t wait!

For me, the real truth right now is simple: it’s all good. Ish.

And I’ll take good-ish.

(And I also take optimistic realism over anything else every time I possibly can…there’s a thing called “toxic positivity,” which I first wrote about here and then subsequently read a whole book on. Liberating! Validating! It’s not all great, always. And that’s ok.)

Fortunately (and fortuitously) the books I’ve been reading lately have come in quite handy right now. I have a clear framework for thinking about/processing this event in the greater context of what I can control and how I want to spend my time. I have a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the notion that while I can control how I spend my time, I can’t control any outcomes—though perhaps if I’m smart about it maybe I can influence them a little. So if I focus on how I spend my time, and if I spend my time in ways I want and need to, well, maybe then everything will work out for the better. It wasn’t my decision to let me go, so fretting about someone else’s decision is dumb. (For details on this concept, called “separation of tasks,” a game-changer of a thing for me, check out this post, and see #3.) I need to fret about my own circumstances. Wages! Healthcare! Mental health! (And in reality, I needn’t fret about them at all—I need “simply” to manage the situation by managing myself, and the rest will follow.)

Here’s the thing. You can be happy about and completely anxious about the same thing at the same time. You can feel a soul-crushing, confidence-shattering “I can’t believe I wasn’t good enough for them” and an indignant “I was too good for them anyway” in the same thought pattern. You can feel intense pressure to do something at the exact same time that you have a deep desire to take some time, to be still…but not to languish.

Needless to say today finds me feeling more midnight than cornflower, if I’m to use the Crayola 64 labeling convention for my emotions (a “system” that was first introduced a few months, back: here). There have been small and short periods of black, though I’ve had many more moments of brighter colored emotions…and it probably goes without saying, but there have been some brick red flares too. But that’s to be expected, right?

All said, I’m not gonna lie—the low-level anger and frustration and annoyance and irritation does add up pretty quick, so it’s hard work sorting it through and putting it where it belongs. I’m doing the hard work, though, trying to keep things in perspective and trying to let the hope that I see on the horizon dominate my mental landscape. All that said, there were a couple of times that I felt like this this week, only substitute my emotions for the chocolates…

Simply put: there were moments when it was hard to keep up with my feelings.

I say all the time that life isn’t a zero-sum game. That doesn’t mean that balance isn’t important. Balance is critical. But netting everything out and reconciling everything and constantly ticking and tying things for sure gets in the way of living fully.

So back to last Thursday, when The Ladies of The 220 started the day like most days (coffee on the couch and some general chit chat) and then hit a major high mid-morning when Phase One of the project Kerri has been underwater on since the beginning of June launched successfully. Hooray! Yippee! In accomplishing this milestone, she reclaimed her nights and weekends, freeing up time for her to live more fully, to enjoy doing the things she needs to do to feel whole, to feel replenished and recharged…to do the things that help her live her best life. So while she was feeling a combination of accomplishment, happiness, and relief, I was feeling sheer pride. She had worked so hard. We both were enjoying that moment fully…blissfully unaware that another shoe was about to fall. And fall it did.

Since it was a Thursday, I was already committed to hosting the standing post-Tai Chi dinner night with Mom…and we were having my sis and bro-in-law too. So I shot them a text alerting them to my change in professional circumstances and added, “but dinner is still on as we have to celebrate Kerri’s big milestone.” Like I said, it isn’t as zero-sum game and my getting shitcanned was completely separate from and independent of her hard work. Certainly my dark news did not cast a shadow on her bright light of success. My misfortune did not cancel out her good fortune. My negative experience did nothing to offset her positive one—and that’s how it should be.

At the scheduled hour of 6PM, my sister arrived with a Hilliard’s Chocolate bag announcing, “One congratulations, one condolences…you can decide which.”

The better of the two was whichever one we were eating at the time.

How nice was that? (The thing is, not only was it a thoughtful gesture but holy shit were those things delicious. And for the record, we didn’t label either as anything but rather shared them both (delicious!) (also delicious!) (We made sure to get some exercise in as an offset. 😂😂😂))

And then we had a restaurant-quality (if I do say so myself, but they all said so too) dinner…though at one point I said, 1/4 jokingly, “you’re lucky I went shopping at lunch and not after work—you’d be getting Salisbury steak tonight” (versus the oven-roasted cod with cherry tomatoes, which, I need to repeat, was fantastic).

Anyhow, that’s a lot of detail and a lot of backstory.

So where are things at, a week later, on this fine Feel-good Friday?

It’s been a bit of a choppy week, TBH. But I like to look at things in the aggregate, and overall, these are my dominant thoughts:

1. I’m grateful to the people who reached out and slightly disappointed in some people who didn’t. But thank God I learned about separation of tasks (link to the same post as I provided earlier ICYMI) because my task is to not get bogged down in that disappointment and rather to send this reminder: when someone is going through something crappy, reach out and tell them you’re thinking about them. Don’t ask them a question because they’ll feel pressure/compelled to reply. But reach out. Most people are easy to find. I got phone calls, texts, emails, and messages on both LinkedIn and Facebook. And to be perfectly honest the number of WTFs messages I’ve been getting is strangely heartening. (Also, when someone is out of work, if they have good news about a change in status, I am sure they will share it…so don’t ask them how it’s going or what’s up for the day…because chances are they’re going to be spending it fighting off the feeling of being a total shit bum while they try to claw their way back into the workforce—and what’s to talk about when it comes to that?) On a related note, skip the “fishing expeditions” even when your morbid curiosity might be killing you. Just let the person be. All that out of the way, when all is said and done and you’re stepping into the middle of the ring, there’s nothing more gratifying and uplifting than seeing all of the determined faces in your corner.

2. Speaking of morbid curiosity, mine was on overflow with it when I heard the “exact” cause of the Queen’s death was announced. Imagine my disappointment upon learning that it was “old age.” (Seriously did anyone *really” think that Liz Truss poisoned her? And if she did, that they’d really tell us???)

3. I have more time to do what I love, like write this. Whether I take that time is another matter altogether.

4. I will find something better, will do better, and will be better, with “better” being relative to me, my values, and my sphere of concern.

5. I got to move some “colleaguefriends” very deliberately and firmly into the “friends” category.

6. How about Aaron Judge? I’ve always been a Red Sox fan but I have never been an anti-Yankees fan. To truly love baseball is to love the competition, the sport of it, the skill involved…mad props to the dude for his accomplishment tying Roger Maris’ long-standing HR record. And it sounds like he’s a really nice guy. There’s something about the combination of good things and good people.

7. The concept of “separation of tasks” is something I recommend that everyone learn about, and I mean really learn about it. Because now that I get it, I can start to separate my own tasks…like not letting unemployment woes get in the way of engaging with life. If I choose to make plans, that is a commitment to being fully present. I owe that to myself, and to my friends.

8. Sometimes you have to work hard to find joy. Sometimes you find it and sometimes you come up empty. That’s ok.

9. Processing stuff in the proper context, with the appropriate perspective, is critical. Immediately and practically speaking, for me, this is pretty crappy, but theoretically and proximally it could be much worse…but that doesn’t make this any less bad or any less painful for me right now. And guess what? That’s ok too. I did lose my job…but I didn’t lose one thing I truly value. I was clear in making this assertion over dinner (with four of the people I value most in this world) several hours after hearing the news, and I stand firm on the words today. Got some unexpected validation from the Celtics’ Marcus Smart earlier this week when he was asked about Ime Udoka’s suspension—“nobody died, so we didn’t lose anything.” I feel that, Marcus—it’s not hyperbolic comparison to make anyone feel better, it’s the truth.

10. Sometimes the silver linings are tarnished. Sometimes we don’t feel like polishing them. And sometimes we just have to give in to the darkness. And—surprise— that’s also ok. As long as we always come back to the light.

It’s only been a week but I’ve done all the aforementioned processing and have also gotten a lot done—I completed a monthly domestic accounting task (paid the bills), scheduled some elder/volunteer service (helping my mom organize her trip pictures on her iPad and getting some prints at Walgreens), and followed a rigorous wellness program (regular walks—really putting “pedestrian” in “The Pedestrian Pundit”). One of the walks was with a trusted friend and I call it out as a reminder to everyone—make and take time to feed your soul and cultivate the (sometimes unlikely) friendships that bring out the best in you, the ones with people who will laugh both with and at you—there’s not nothing better than friends who are both empathetic and honest!

And…drum roll please…I started the week with a Wordle in One. You read that right. On Monday I solved it on my first guess—BRISK. Picked because it was cold in the house. Lightning a bottle. Probably shoulda bought a lottery ticket. Jackpot. Bingo.

A few musical notes (see what I did there?) to round things out:

• Special thanks to Spotify for knowing me better than I know myself. Once again.

• Given his recent death, how can I not call out this classic? Dangerous Minds was such a great movie. (And that Michelle Pfeiffer has aged amazingly!) RIP Coolio. (And here’s a good piece about the song itself.)

• Lastly, I heard this one for the first time last night, and was immediately intrigued by the title, entranced by the melody, haunted by some of the lyrics, and kind of sad about this weird professional goodbye I’m in the throes of.

This was a long one, as it turns out, so if you made it to this point, I send you even more thanks than are customary. I am extra-appreciative of your time and attention, and even more full of gratitude for your support and friendship.

Have a great weekend, and I’ll “see” you on Monday.

Love you too.